Archive for the ‘Communication’ Category

Speak Your Mind for Peace of Mind

Posted: March 27, 2013 in Communication
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image from codyaray.com

image from codyaray.com

For introverts like me, I tend to let unsettling matters fester inside me until they reach a point where I have to speak up.  Unlike others who feel free to just speak whatever comes to mind the moment it comes to mind, we introverts are less likely to do so unless we’re in the presence of our closest friends and family.  There is both good and bad in that.  On the good side, our mouths tend to get us in trouble a little less.  On the bad side, we let our guts churn to an unhealthy degree before speaking up, and if we’re not careful, we eventually let go with a pent-up reaction that causes others to think, “Where did that come from?”

I’m not a fan of those who think that everyone else around them always needs to know what is on their mind.  People usually can get through their days just fine without a floodgate of other people’s opinions on a host of subjects filling their ears and their social media news feeds.  It may be people’s right to speak up, but it is also their right to remain silent.  At times, I wish more exercised the latter right.

Our country is divided on many social topics about which many millions on both sides of the issues are passionate.  That is expected and that is OK.  It’s alright for both sides to express their opinion, and each should be able to do so without fear of ridicule and reprisal.  We must celebrate the freedom of speech we enjoy in this country – a freedom too many other countries do not offer their citizens.  What we must never get to is a point where we cease to tolerate the expression of opposing viewpoints.  We must not become intolerant in the name of tolerance.  That is hypocrisy.

All of our public protests, marches, social media efforts and other forms of pleading our cause may or may not change anyone else’s mind on a subject.  It is still up to each individual what he/she believes.  Each must choose when to speak and when to remain silent.  For my own peace of mind, though, I know that when I have deep-seated feelings and beliefs on a matter, I reach a point where, for my own emotional and physical health, I have to speak up.  I encourage you, whatever your position on hot-button issues, to do the same.

Speak your mind for peace of mind, and allow others the freedom to do the same.

Wag More, Bark Less

Posted: February 23, 2013 in Communication
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image from localbadge.com

image from localbadge.com

Earlier this week I shared a book review of Seth Godin’s Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us as well as another post inspired by the book about leading from the bottom.  Today’s post has its genesis in one sentence found in the book where Godin lists his principles related to creating a movement.  His final principle is “Tearing others down is never as helpful to a movement as building your followers up” (p. 105).

That may seem obvious, but I’m sure it’s included because people often violate the principle.  How can we expect others to join us in accomplishing some task, making a change, joining a cause to make a difference, or simply doing our day-to-day work if we’re criticizing or complaining along the way?  Don’t we respond better in attitude and in performance when others are quick to praise and encourage rather than to tear us down?  Of course we do!

This principle reminds me of a few other maxims that are (or should be) a part of our language.  One is “You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.”  This one is literally true when it comes to attracting me as well.  I love honey and consume some almost daily.  Vinegar?  I run from the stuff; can’t stand to smell it or be in the same room with it.  Building others up is honey.  Tearing them down is vinegar.  Be honey.

Perhaps one of my favorite sayings related to this thought comes from a bumper sticker I saw last year: “Wag more, bark less.”  A Google search on the phrase will yield many results, including more paraphernalia with the saying on it than you can afford to purchase.  As a dog lover and one who believes in being encouraging to others, this one sums up the notion quite well for me.

Take a moment to review in your mind the conversations you’ve had in the past 24 hours.  In those talks, were you figuratively more often wagging your tail or barking at the listener?  Were you building up or tearing down?  You may not have noticed at the time, but chances are good that the other person did.  As you think back on the conversations you had with coworkers this past week, with people you manage, with those living under your roof, or with others you spoke with along the way, did you do more wagging or barking?

If I approach a dog, I’m going to notice if he’s wagging or barking and it’s going to impact how I respond.  Same is true for people.

As you go about your conversations today, make it a point to wag more and bark less.  It will do as much good for you as it does for those around you.

Acknowledge the Elephant in the Room

Posted: January 19, 2013 in Communication
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ElephantintheRoom-Leo_CullumHow many times have you been in a conversation with others and wanted to bring up some obvious topic, but failed to do so?  How many times have you sat in meetings, heard proposals, watched presentations, discussed important matters, or been embarrassed on behalf of someone else, all the while dying to say what is really on your mind, but never mustering the courage to say it?  Why do we hold back and so often fail to acknowledge the elephant in the room?

In the case of meetings at work, perhaps you can’t bring yourself to openly disagree with someone higher up the org chart.  Maybe you are the kind of person who avoids conflict at all cost, both in personal and professional settings.  Maybe you fear the known or unknown consequences of being that person to bring up what you and probably many others wish someone would address.

If you don’t acknowledge obvious issues, it is very possible that the consequences of failing to address them will be worse than doing so.  For example, if you have relationship issues with someone, but try to keep the peace instead of putting matters on the table, aren’t the potential emotional and physical consequences of holding it all inside worse than the temporary awkwardness and unpleasantness of the dreaded conversation?  If you are being pitched a plan of action by a manager or someone higher up than you in an organization, and you know that the suggested path has major flaws, aren’t you complicit in failed and potentially harmful business decisions if you do not raise the concerns you have?  If others are trying to get you to go down some path that could be dangerous or have serious negative consequences personally and/or professionally, don’t you have the responsibility to listen to your intuition and interject a cautionary word into the conversation?  If someone’s dress, hygiene, personal habits or behavior are the subject of much discussion behind his/her back, isn’t the decent thing to do to have that needed and difficult private conversation in order to help the other person?

When it comes to acknowledging elephants in the room, few seem willing to be the one to step up and do so.  Oh, how we need more people willing to take that step!  Doing this doesn’t mean you have to do so in an unkind, harsh, abrasive, offensive way.  Besides, you won’t likely succeed in promoting positive change with that approach, anyway.  Instead, with a genuine heart of compassion, caring, and concern for what is wrong or what might fail, you have an incredible opportunity to change the path of a person, group, or entire company from darkness to light, from failure to success.  Those on the hearing end are usually able to sense genuine concern; they will most likely be able to see the intentions of your heart and hear your message, even if it is one that is difficult for them to hear.

Nobody benefits from having a bunch of “yes” men around.  While I’ll never be in a position of corporate power by virtue of the position held, if I ever was, I would hope to be fortunate enough to surround myself with men and women who always speak the truth, even when it is hard for them to deliver the message and perhaps harder for me to hear.  If it is my thoughts, plans, attitude, behavior or anything else that is ever the elephant in the room, then I desperately need and want someone to tell me that.  Do it gently and kindly and (if possible) privately, but by all means, do it!  I’m a big boy.  I can handle it.

I have no idea what life situations you are in where you feel you need to bring up something “obvious” that nobody else is saying, but I suspect you can think of one or two such situations at this time.  I strongly encourage you, in the interest of doing what is most helpful and kind and beneficial in the long run, acknowledge with whomever else needs to hear that there is an elephant in the room.  The benefit gained from the honest conversation will far outweigh the temporary fear of negative consequences that has held you back so far.

Leap Year Lesson #356: Listen to Early Warnings

Posted: December 21, 2012 in Communication
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Waze AppMore out of curiosity than necessity today, I used the smart phone app Waze on the 190-mile round trip to and from my parents’ farm.  I wanted to see how accurate it was in mapping my progress using GPS and warning me of potential trouble spots along the route.  It does much more than that, but keeping abreast of traffic issues – especially in our first winter weather conditions – was the main need.

I was pleased with how it performed.  It did great showing my place on the road, all nearby roads, and zoomed in or out based on the speed I was traveling.  When completely stopped, it popped up some displays showing nearby accidents or hazards or reports from other Waze users, going back to the navigational map automatically when the car started moving again.

One of the surprises was when the female voice suddenly warned me of things ahead like a car stopped on the shoulder of the road or, as it did the other night, an accident ahead.  Overall, I was quite pleased with the app and can see using it frequently when I drive in the city or on longer trips.

The experience made me think about the value of things like seeing the bigger picture rather than just what lies immediately ahead, and the value of having someone warn you when you are heading down a potentially hazardous or troublesome path.  When it comes to traffic and the value of GPS, we likely don’t argue with the benefit and readily trust the information given (although it can be inaccurate, of course).

However, what about other life paths we follow and decisions we make daily.  Are they done with a larger, long-term picture in mind or with only the next few moments under consideration?  How open are we to the early warnings of friends, family and coworkers, or do we insist on traveling down some predetermined road because it’s what we want come hell or high water?

It seems like we ought to be more open to receiving guidance – not just giving it, and not only after we’ve barreled our way into formidable roadblocks.

Leap year lesson #356 is Listen to early warnings.

Leap Year Lesson #333: Don’t Pretend to Understand When You Don’t

Posted: November 30, 2012 in Communication
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I love it when my dog tilts her head in obvious confusion and wonder about something I say or do.  She doesn’t pretend to understand and act naturally as though to say “Oh yeah, master, I hear ya; been there, done that.”  No, she just puts her confusion out there for the world to see with an obvious head tilt.

People need to do more of that themselves when they don’t understand.  Oh, I don’t care if you actually tilt your head and try to look like a confused dog or not (although that would make for unmistakable body language to help the less perceptive), but I do care that attempts at communication succeed.  Pretending you understand when you do not helps nobody.

While body language or tone of voice may well communicate lack of understanding, it may be necessary at times to be more obvious and ask for clarity’s sake.  How many business meetings have ended with people nodding their heads and then walking out the door only to ask their coworkers for clarification later because they were too embarrassed to admit before others they didn’t understand something?  How many times have we acted on some understanding that was actually a misunderstanding, resulting in time wasted or unnecessary tension in relationships?

Communicating effectively is more important than silly pride that sometimes gets in the way of asking for clarification.  You can save yourself a lot of time wasted going down a wrong path if you first get a clear picture of the path expected.  Backtracking always wastes valuable time.

I confess that there are times when I fail to ask clarifying questions, especially if it seems like everyone else in the room fully understands.  Who wants to appear to be the dunce?  Yet, I have learned that making sure communication is complete and effective trumps the temporary risk of not looking as smart as you want others to think you are.

Thanks, Callie, for tonight’s head tilt that resulted in leap year lesson #333 - Don’t pretend to understand when you don’t.

Leap Year Lesson #319: Avoid Heinous Business Speak

Posted: November 16, 2012 in Communication
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I realize language changes over time and new words come into being and general acceptance after repeated usage.  Still, there are some language habits developed that just should never happen.  One that gets under my skin faster than yesterday’s flu shot did is the use of verbs as nouns.

Case in point: using the word “ask” as a noun.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard someone (actually multiple people) at work for the past few years say phrases like “What’s the ask?” or “That’s a good ask.”  Arrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!  I can’t stand that!

Ask is a verb!  Know the difference!  Don’t say “What’s the ask?”  Say “What’s the question?” or “What’s the request?”  Don’t say “That’s a good ask.”  Say “That’s a good question.”  It really is simple.  You should’ve learned that in grade school.  Just because someone higher than you in the org chart uses the word incorrectly doesn’t mean you have to follow along with their butchering of the language.  Be the adult with grammar skills.

Recently I’ve had to endure presentations by a contractor that almost always begin with an early slide titled “The Ask.”  No… the title should be “The Request” or “The Agreement” or “The Contract.”  The rebellious side of me just wants to carry an air horn into meetings and blast it out every time someone refers to “the ask” or commits some similar trendy misuse of language.

Even the graphic above comes dangerously close to crossing the line.  In its attempt to clearly distinguish between nouns and verbs, it labels the crossover as heinous “business speak.”  Fortunately, it is common to add “speak” to make a compound word or phrase such as “adspeak” or “business speak,” although in this case it’s really a violation of the very practice it labels as heinous.

I know my rant won’t change business culture, but I can at least make a few people aware of the matter.  I let my team at work know my disdain for “ask” as a noun, so now they only do it to irritate me which is fair.

Leap year lesson #319 is Avoid heinous business speak.  There.  I feel better.  Carry on.

Leap Year Lesson #317: Don’t Shoot the Messenger; You Might Miss the Message

Posted: November 14, 2012 in Communication
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Most of us don’t like being the bearer of bad news.  On the contrary, we would rather be associated with the verse from the prophet Isaiah: “How lovely on the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news” (Isaiah 52:7) – a verse repeated by Paul in Romans 10:15.  The positive image brings to mind a runner going to or perhaps returning to a community to bring welcome news from afar.  Such a messenger will be greeted with joy.

Not so with those who bring bad news.  In ancient times, if a messenger ran to an enemy camp with a message not well received by the hearers, it would be unfortunate but not inconceivable that the hearers might take out their frustration on the messenger.  It was a dangerous role for the one delivering the news.

Nothing much has changed today in that regard.  While we don’t send runners to enemy camps with bad news anymore, we still find ourselves from time to time in the uncomfortable position of telling others things they don’t want to hear.

If you are the messenger, then you have the obligation to deliver the message clearly and with whatever level of compassion seems appropriate.  You don’t really have the option of not delivering the message without failing at an important task.  Friends, managers, coworkers, family members, even strangers may find themselves in such a role and perhaps with a message originating from themselves and not from someone else.

If you are the recipient of the message, then you have to control your emotions and react to the message rather than the messenger.  That isn’t easy.  It’s human nature to lash out at personal criticism or in response to news that is upsetting.  Still, the adult response is to absorb the message, take some time to process it if needed, and then respond appropriately.

Next time you hear something you’d rather not, try to remember leap year lesson #317 – Don’t shoot the messenger: You might miss the message.

Leap Year Lesson #313: Understand the Difficulty of Online Communication

Posted: November 12, 2012 in Communication
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One of the online conversations today at work dealt with the differences between face-to-face and online communication.  It should be obvious to most that there are major differences between the two, but our actions don’t always indicate an awareness of those differences.

For example, when we are physically present with others, we have the benefit of not only hearing the words they say, but we can hear their tone of voice, we can see their facial expressions and their other body language.  All together, we make a more informed decision on what the person is communicating, taking visible and nonverbal clues into consideration.

Contrast that with how we communicate online.  We are mostly limited online to typed text on a screen, void of any tone or physical clues that help with understanding.  Yes, we have the option of emoticons – smiley faces, frowns, etc. – but even with those we don’t know for sure the intent of the person who typed them.

The trigger for this thought and discussion today was when someone commented on a thread in a manner that I thought was unnecessarily argumentative.  When pointed out, the person went back and added “#kidding” to the post.  I’ve had enough people complain to me about similar situations over time that I posted that I still consider many such statements as intentional jabs that people try to then pretend are not jabs by adding some cutesy icon or hashtag.  By then, however, the criticism is inflicted.  You may as well take a knife and stab it in someone’s back and then try to cover the puncture wound with a yellow smiley face sticker, pretending all is well and that you’re best buds.

Communication face-to-face is hard.  Communication online is infinitely harder and requires more skill and forethought and care so as to communicate clearly, making up for the lack of visual and nonverbal clues the medium necessarily omits.  You may know exactly how you intend a comment to come across, but that is no guarantee that the characters on the screen adequately communicate that intent.  Go the extra mile to communicate clearly online.

Leap year lesson #313 is Understand the difficulty of online communication.

Leap Year Lesson #296: Sometimes It Takes a Close Friend To Deliver a Hard Message

Posted: October 25, 2012 in Communication
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Imagine this scenario.  “Joe” has had regular conflicts in various matters with “Mary.”  Their differences are no secret and such disagreements have surfaced periodically for years.  Now imagine that something true but very difficult for Mary to hear about herself needs to be said.  For the sake of this post, we’ll say the hard message is that Mary has breath that would make a horse pass out (not the actual issue I have in mind, of course).

Who is the best person to get this message to Mary most successfully?  Is it Joe who has regularly confronted Mary about previous matters?  Probably not.  Mary has already learned to tune out Joe when convenient and she will most likely ignore the hard message regardless of how true it is.

That’s where Patty comes in.  If Mary is good friends with Patty, and Patty also knows the truth of this hard message that Mary needs to hear, then Patty is in the best position to deliver that tough message in a clear but kind way.  Mary will be more open to the message if it comes from a trusted friend than from a regular adversary.

Chances are pretty good that in combined scenarios in your life right now, you are all of the above people.  For some situations, you’re Joe who would like to give a true, needed, hard message to someone, but the past history you have with this person negates the likelihood of successful communication.  Maybe you’re Mary and either just heard or are about to hear something from another that won’t be easy to take.  Perhaps you’re Patty who has an opportunity to use your positive history with Mary to pass along a tough word with kindness and understanding.

None of the roles is easy.  Of the ones above, a heavy burden rests on Patty because important guidance can be delivered only by this person in a way likely to be heard and accepted.  That brings us to Leap year lesson #296 – Sometimes it takes a close friend to deliver a hard message.

Leap Year Lesson #280: Truth Is the New Hate Speech

Posted: October 6, 2012 in Communication
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Truth is not determined by popular vote.  Truth just is – regardless of how many (or if any) believe it.  I know some claim that there are no absolute truths – a claim which is, itself, a presumed absolute truth by the proponent.  We know, of course, that what one person believes to be true will often be rejected by others who have their own notion of truth.  Each prefers to believe that he/she is correct.

We can’t all be correct, though, when we believe opposing things.  It is a silly notion that each person can have his/her own truth.  We may each have our own beliefs, but those beliefs may or may not represent actual truth.

Speaking the truth can be very unpopular.  The hearer may cringe, reject it, debate it, even retaliate against your effort to speak it, but that does not make truth any less the truth.

As a Christian, I believe the words of Jesus when he claims in John 14:6 to be “the way, the truth, and the life.”  I believe the Bible contains truth without any mixture of error.  I have no problem believing and proclaiming any and all that it teaches as truth, whether others agree or not.  I understand that others may reject, criticize, condemn or laugh off such a stance as outdated, ignorant, dangerous, or even nowadays “hate speech” depending on the topic at hand.  I would call it truth.

Don’t expect to be loved for speaking truth all the time.  Not all leaders are willing to hear about their inadequacies.  Not all workers are eager to be told where they fall short.  Not all children enjoy learning the truth that there are consequences to misbehavior.

No, you won’t win popularity contests by being truthful.  In fact, Jesus was crucified for it.  He knew that he would be, but he did it anyway because it was the only good and loving thing to do.

So especially to my fellow pilgrims in the faith, to those who know the truth and have been set free by it, do not hesitate to speak it and to live it.  Do not fear leap year lesson #280 - Truth is the new hate speech.

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