Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

How Do You Measure Friendship?

Posted: April 23, 2013 in Relationships
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Friends Take Care Of YouMy wife came home last Friday after more than two weeks of being in the hospital and rehab following knee-replacement surgery.  It so happened that I had to be heading out of town at the very hour she was checking out of rehab because I was scheduled to officiate at an out-of-town wedding for the weekend and the wedding rehearsal was just a few hours away.

Enter some wonderful friends.

First was our local friend, Darlene, who met Linda at rehab and brought Linda with all her belongings home and then stayed with her until Saturday, running errands, helping around the house, taking care of the dog and assisting Linda with tasks she is not able yet to do herself.  Linda was not (and is not) ready to be without assistance for a long period of time, and with me out of town, Darlene was a god-send those first 24 hours home.  Thank you, Darlene.

Then on Saturday, two of Linda’s lifelong friends from St. Louis drove to Louisville to spend Saturday until Tuesday with her.  Even though I was back from the wedding trip by mid-Sunday afternoon, Patty and Pam stayed until Tuesday cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, helping with physical therapy, dog-sitting, doing laundry, and laughing about past and present things that only friends with a long history can do.  Being able to spend that amount of time together was extremely rare for the three of them and a real help for Linda in every way – physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Thank you, Patty and Pam, even though you didn’t take me up on my offer of paying you $1000 each to make everything in the over-stuffed freezers and refrigerator disappear.  (I fixed the sink you broke, by the way.  The bill is in the mail.)

We live in a busy, busy world with long to-do lists that are a challenge to complete even without interruptions.  How many of us are willing to take a major chunk out of time we could devote to our own to-do lists to be the kind of friend that Darlene, Patty and Pam have been to us in recent days, as well as several others who have brought or are scheduled to bring meals?  It’s a reminder to me that if I want to have friends like that, I need to be a friend like that.

I guess the title of this post is a misnomer because you can’t measure real friendship.  But you sure know it when you see it.

Make More Deposits Than Withdrawals

Posted: February 22, 2013 in Relationships
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Deposits Withdrawals

image from chalkboardquotes.wordpress.com

Today’s blog post is about dog training, but about much more than that.  I’ve been a fan of the dog trainer Eric Letendre for several years, reading his books, watching his videos, and eagerly reading his daily emails about the subject.  (If you’re curious, check out his book The Amazing Dog Training Man’s Ultimate Guide to Dogs or his website or YouTube channel.)

His email from a few days ago rang true as good advice not just for dog training, but for relationships in general, so I want to share it with you.  The email recalls a chapter in his book where he wrote about “how the relationship is like a checking account.  Every time you do something positive with your dog, you are making a deposit into the account.  Every time you do something negative to your dog, you are making a withdrawal.  In order for the relationship to stay positive, happy and healthy, you have to be making more deposits into the account.  Too many withdrawals without enough deposits will result in a relationship that will go negative.”

Brilliant.

Beyond the relationship you have with your pets, think about the relationships you have with key people in your life – spouse, family members, coworkers, neighbors, friends, acquaintances.  Think about the best of those relationships.  Aren’t they the ones where there is more thought to giving than taking?  Don’t you get tired of being around people who always want something from you, but never give in return?  Don’t you want to free yourself from being around those who inject nothing but negativity into your life?  Don’t you want to be with those who give and who are positive?  I do.

If a relationship with someone has soured in your life, try to analyze it from the deposit/withdrawal perspective.  If you are making more positive deposits in the lives of others, chances are good they will not think twice about the occasional withdrawal you need to make.  But be careful about always being the one to withdraw, or you may just find others wanting to withdraw from the relationship.

Make more deposits than withdrawals, and as the image above says, know when to close the account.

Leap Year Lesson #346: Take Time to Chat

Posted: December 12, 2012 in Relationships
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chattingYou don’t have to search long to find some astounding statistic about how much data is accumulating daily in the world thanks to technology and the growing norm of connectivity between people and networks.  You could easily spend your day just reading volumes of information and data that come at you via email, social networks and other media, not to mention taking time to actually read books, magazines and other resources you want to spend time absorbing.

Since my professional world and much of my personal world revolves around social media, it is easy to get focused on the transmission of data.  When that happens, attention to articles, graphics, statistics, polls, reports, blogs, tweets, posts, etc. crowds out having actual conversations with others.  That’s a shame.

This came home to me recently when some colleagues in a professional organization I belong to were chatting via Twitter.  Most of us confessed to using Twitter to pass along links to articles and other info, but not enough just to chat with others.  Since then I have been more mindful about responding more often at a personal level to people on Twitter than I have previously.  It doesn’t seem to be as much of an issue on Facebook where comments are far more common.

We hear much about big data and trends that focus on information rather than people.  That isn’t going to change, so I’m not here to bemoan the trend.  I do want, however, to remind others and myself that in the midst of the inevitable immersion of data, we need to take time to chat with others – to work on the simple thing of developing relationships and friendships with those along our path.  This is true whether it’s with people we know only via social media or if they are coworkers nearby in the office.

We’re still human.  That means we need to connect with others at a deeper level than just professional or informational transactions.  We need the personal touch that brings meaning and joy to a world dominated by data.  After all, I doubt I’ll leave this world wishing I had experienced better data.

Leap year lesson #346 is Take time to chat.

Leap Year Lesson #340: It’s Nice When Others Check Up On You

Posted: December 7, 2012 in Relationships
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True FriendsIn a hectic life and world where too many commitments can easily fill one’s day, it’s a nice reminder that others care when they check in on you to make sure you’re OK.  That happened to me today when a dear friend of many years sent me a message expressing her concern because of my recent schedule and lack of sleep which I had noted on Facebook posts the last couple of nights.

I explained that the week was a bit unusual and that I have, in fact, cut back in several ways in recent months.  My late hours and many extra hours of work this week have been purely voluntary as I try to knock off things from my to-do list that have been there too long to suit me.  While it’s true that I need to get more hours of sleep on average than I do, I willingly pushed that limit for a couple of nights knowing I can rest as much as I choose this weekend.

It felt good when I saw the message expressing concern for my health.  That happens only because someone cares, and that is always a good thing.  There have certainly been times when my stubbornness would not welcome such concerns, but today was not one of those times.  I thanked her and invited her to call me on it anytime she thought I was pushing the limit.

In many areas of life, accountability partners are recommended to help someone pursue positive change and lifestyles.  I am around a lot of such accountability at work, especially in the area of well-being and physical health.  That’s good.  It’s effective and always serves as a reminder that we’re not in this life alone – or at least we don’t have to be if we will allow others into our lives.

At times, you will be the one checking in with others to make sure they’re OK and maybe to give them a little tough love.  Sometimes, though, you need to be on the receiving end of the check-in.  My thanks to today’s friend.  You know who you are.

Leap year lesson #340 is It’s nice when others check up on you.

Leap Year Lesson #330: Don’t Be So Busy That You Ignore People Around You

Posted: November 26, 2012 in Relationships
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Today was my first full day at work since last Tuesday.  There was much to be done.  I was very glad when my one meeting was canceled because it meant I had the whole day to get things done and make a serious dent in the 80+ emails awaiting me.  I was able to reduce that number by half by the time I left, even taking into account the additional ones that came in during the day.  It was the best “churn it out” kind of day I’ve had in a while.

That’s the good news.  The bad news is that it is very easy for others to misunderstand my mindset when I get in this kind of mode.

Case in point: I recall a few years ago on a different team when my to-do list was so long and time was so short that I spent many days as focused and serious as I get in order to accomplish what needed to be done.  I wasn’t my usual laid-back self, casual, joking or behaving in ways that was considered normal by others on that team.  Nothing was wrong.  I wasn’t mad at anyone.  I was just focused and quite content in getting things done.

Eventually, I was approached by more than one person on that team concerned about how my change in behavior was seen by and affecting my teammates.  What that experience taught me is that I must (to some extent) continue to be the person others expect me to be, especially in the sense of giving them time and not tuning them out for extended periods while getting other things done.

It’s OK to be “busy Jeff” but not at the expense of “relational Jeff.”

That experience came to mind as I left work today.  After being focused and accomplishing much, I left a little faster than normal because I had yet more to do at home the rest of the evening.  I exited wondering “Did my teammates notice anything different or misunderstand me?”  I hope they didn’t.  I’ll find out.

If they did, it’s time for me to remember again leap year lesson #330 – Don’t be so busy that you ignore people around you.

Leap Year Lesson #327: Don’t Pre-Judge

Posted: November 23, 2012 in Relationships
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Last night I spent some time at my son Brian’s home with his roommates and some of their family.  It was my first time meeting the others except for Brian’s dog Jaina.

His roommates have a white pit bull named Roxy similar to the one shown here.  I’ve never been around pit bulls before.  My only exposure has been from occasional newscasts that tell about maulings and problems with them.  I didn’t know before arriving at the house that they had a pit bull and I’m glad I didn’t.  It might have tainted my initial experience with her.

Roxy is 6.5 years old and among the friendliest dogs I’ve ever met.  My dog, Callie, loves to lick on us more than any dog I’ve ever owned.  She and Roxy must be kindred spirits because Roxy wanted to do the same, getting up on the sofa between Linda and me, going back and forth between us as to who got the kisses and eventually laying down to cuddle up with us.  She really was remarkable.

Not having prior experience with pit bulls, I had to ask what breed she was and was a bit surprised to hear.  She doesn’t fit the mold cast by the occasional news story.

What if I’d known going in that she was a pit bull?  Would I have treated her any different?  Would I have been more standoffish?  Probably, at least until I got to know her.

Isn’t that the way it is with pre-judging others?  Pre-judging is what prejudice is all about and it isn’t always founded on reasonable grounds.  Yes, there are pit bulls trained for fighting and raised to be mean, but that isn’t the full picture of the breed.  Yes, there are other people of different nationalities, race, religion and a host of backgrounds – some of which have done bad things to you or those you care about.  But those instances don’t necessarily describe the majority.  You have to get to know people (and animals) on a personal basis to know the truth about them.  It helps if you don’t make too many assumptions going in.

Leap year lesson #327 is Don’t pre-judge.

Leap Year Lesson #324: Animals Are People, Too

Posted: November 19, 2012 in Relationships
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Animals lovers everywhere feel pain when their pets hurt.  That’s how it is for me tonight as I watch my 2.5 year old Border Collie/Lab mix Callie following minor surgery today to remove her front dewclaws.

For the last couple of weeks, she has repeatedly torn one after snagging it on carpet or something else playing and diving for balls and other toys.  I’d go for days without testing it in hopes that it would heal, but as soon as we started playing again it would get injured.  We had no choice but to make the call to have them removed for her own good.

She didn’t understand why we removed her water dish late last night or why we didn’t feed her this morning or why we started the day with a ride in the car and me leaving her behind at the vet.  I was like the parent of a child at day care as I sneaked out of the vet’s office when she turned her head for a second, only to hear the whimpering when she realized I was leaving.

Callie is a wonderfully sweet dog and we love on each other a lot every day.  Even with the cone around her head and her legs bandaged, she pulled the veterinarian assistant down the hall once she saw me, eager to reunite after I got off work.  She’s not quite herself yet, timid when it comes to steps and getting up on the sofa beside me because it most likely hurts, although she’d never complain about it if it did.

So tonight she gets some special attention.  I’ll stay away from the computer after writing this, let her curl up with me on the couch, probably stay there all night with her, and show some extra kindness.  Tomorrow the feeding schedule returns to normal.  Wednesday the bandages come off.  She’s on the mend even if she doesn’t realize it.  Meanwhile, my little girl needs some lovin’.

I have a special place in my heart for most kinds of animals, especially dogs, and for others who feel the same.

While not technically true, leap year lesson #324 still often feels true: Animals are people, too.

Leap Year Lesson #314: Be a Safe Place for Others

Posted: November 13, 2012 in Relationships
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You’ve probably seen one of the yellow and black diamond “Safe Place” signs on businesses and other locations.  The one shown here is their latest logo.  It is the symbol for National Safe Place – a youth outreach organization that educates youth about threatening situations and seeks to provide safe shelters for youth in crisis.  I applaud their efforts.

The phrase “safe place” has become a part of our vocabulary in a variety of contexts, not just in that of the national organization with the signs.  It may refer to a physical safe place or shelter in the midst of a storm.  It may refer to an emotional safe place of a group or setting where someone can share thoughts, feelings and experiences without fear of rejection or condemnation.

As I lay awake in the wee hours of this morning unable to sleep, the term came to mind in the context of where people gather online to talk.  Are those social media gathering places safe places for participants?  I’m not referring to the well-publicized times when the slime of society prey on children or others with the intent to abuse or harm.  I’m referring to the conversations that happen between friends, acquaintances and colleagues every day.

When you visit Facebook, for example, how safe is your news feed?  I know mine became quite toxic during the months leading up to the presidential election to the point where I unsubscribed from the comments and posts of most people I am friends with (even those I agree with politically), and I tried to not make the news feeds of others too toxic by limiting myself to one political post per week.

Beyond the politics, though, how friendly, warm, encouraging, and accepting are your social media gathering places?  They should be, or else you have no good reason to frequent them.  We must do our part in making them safe places for others.  As the community manager for my company’s internal online community, that has me thinking about what we need to do to make certain our community is a safe place for all.

As an individual, community or organization, leap year lesson #314 is Be a safe place for others.

Leap Year Lesson #306: Loyalty Is Earned

Posted: November 4, 2012 in Relationships
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I’m amazed at my dog’s loyalty to me.  As a rule, she really only wants to be wherever I am.

When I feed her in the morning, I stay in the room where her dish is because she’ll follow me out of the room rather than eat if I go elsewhere in the house.  If I’m at my desk, she is either on the floor beside me or on the sofa a few feet away.  If I’m in my recliner, she’ll be on the next sofa cushion with her nose inches away.  If I’m in the shower, she lays on the bath mat.

Whenever I walk to a different level of the house, she is at my side.  When I go to bed at night, she crawls under the bed and stays there motionless until my alarm goes off.  According to my wife, she moves to the front door late afternoon about the time I’m due home, eagerly waiting and whimpering for my return.

Her loyalty to me is a sweet expression of love similar to what is experienced by many with their pets.  I try to be good enough to her to earn that loyalty.

That makes me wonder about our loyalty to other people.  What are the motives?  How is it expressed?  Is it earned?

Loyalty to family seems to be a given for most.  I feel sorry for families that experience turmoil among themselves and who do not have that loyalty to one another.

Loyalty to one’s job is generally a good thing, but is conditioned in part on the employer’s loyalty back to the employee – something that doesn’t always happen.

Customers can be loyal to brands even to the point of irrational fanaticism (think Apple here).

Loyalty to one’s country is generally a good thing as well, although loyalty to particular leaders can turn into more of a cult following than intelligent, shared ideology.

To the extent that loyalty is optional, there is a strong element of trust needed in order for it to be present.  I hope that I am trustworthy enough for others – not just my dog – to be loyal to me.

Leap year lesson #306 is Loyalty is earned.

Leap Year Lesson #287: There Is Too Little Unconditional Love in the World

Posted: October 13, 2012 in Relationships
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Continuing with my dog-inspired lessons for this weekend, I want to share with you a brief encounter from Saturday night.

While sitting in my recliner with books spread around me, studying and prepping to teach my Bible study class Sunday, my dog Callie decided she wanted to be in the middle of things.  That’s quite normal for her.  She jumped up on the sofa next to me and gradually nudged her way into my lap, leaning against my chest, and making it impossible to continue studying.

I could have gently pushed her away or somehow barricaded the area with my arm to keep her beside me and not on me, but I let her crawl up on me anyway.  I flipped a mental switch from study mode to dog-hug mode and just spent a few minutes petting her, letting her lick me, hugging her and giving her the attention she desired.  It always does as much good for me as it does her, anyway, so why not?  We both enjoyed being in the moment.

She soon laid down and stretched out across my lap, her nose buried in the open Bible beside me.  It wasn’t long (just as I suspected would be the case) before she got up and circled the cushion next to me, eventually plopping down with her face inches away from me.  That’s a nightly routine when she decides to sleep next to me for a while.

I’ve always been an animal lover, especially a dog lover.  We learn much from the interactions with other species – lessons every child and adult should have the opportunity to learn.  One such lesson taught over and over again with my dog is the joy of unconditional love.  Each morning, each return home, each moment spent playing or napping together is another chance to simply enjoy life together.  She carries no grudges.  The wagging tail never lies.

In a world of complicated and sometimes conditional relationships, I am thankful that God uses all of his creatures to teach us life’s lessons and to give us glimpses of what His creation should be like.

Leap year lesson #287 is There is too little unconditional love in the world.

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