Posts Tagged ‘Conflict’

Wag More, Bark Less

Posted: February 23, 2013 in Communication
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image from localbadge.com

image from localbadge.com

Earlier this week I shared a book review of Seth Godin’s Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us as well as another post inspired by the book about leading from the bottom.  Today’s post has its genesis in one sentence found in the book where Godin lists his principles related to creating a movement.  His final principle is “Tearing others down is never as helpful to a movement as building your followers up” (p. 105).

That may seem obvious, but I’m sure it’s included because people often violate the principle.  How can we expect others to join us in accomplishing some task, making a change, joining a cause to make a difference, or simply doing our day-to-day work if we’re criticizing or complaining along the way?  Don’t we respond better in attitude and in performance when others are quick to praise and encourage rather than to tear us down?  Of course we do!

This principle reminds me of a few other maxims that are (or should be) a part of our language.  One is “You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.”  This one is literally true when it comes to attracting me as well.  I love honey and consume some almost daily.  Vinegar?  I run from the stuff; can’t stand to smell it or be in the same room with it.  Building others up is honey.  Tearing them down is vinegar.  Be honey.

Perhaps one of my favorite sayings related to this thought comes from a bumper sticker I saw last year: “Wag more, bark less.”  A Google search on the phrase will yield many results, including more paraphernalia with the saying on it than you can afford to purchase.  As a dog lover and one who believes in being encouraging to others, this one sums up the notion quite well for me.

Take a moment to review in your mind the conversations you’ve had in the past 24 hours.  In those talks, were you figuratively more often wagging your tail or barking at the listener?  Were you building up or tearing down?  You may not have noticed at the time, but chances are good that the other person did.  As you think back on the conversations you had with coworkers this past week, with people you manage, with those living under your roof, or with others you spoke with along the way, did you do more wagging or barking?

If I approach a dog, I’m going to notice if he’s wagging or barking and it’s going to impact how I respond.  Same is true for people.

As you go about your conversations today, make it a point to wag more and bark less.  It will do as much good for you as it does for those around you.

The Worst Mistakes I’ve Made As An Employee

Posted: February 5, 2013 in Professionalism
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I believe in the value of sharing mistakes I’ve made in the hope that others may benefit from my experience and avoid making those same mistakes.  To that end, I thought it might be good to reflect on poor choices I’ve made in various roles across multiple companies and post about them here.  The list below isn’t an exhaustive list of everything I can imagine others might do that is detrimental to their career or work relationships.  It is merely a description of some things I wish I had not done along the way.

Failing to speak up.  I despise conflict, so I too often avoid the hard conversations that may be confrontational.  I want to get along with people.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  I want to keep the peace and just do my best work in a calm environment without any drama.  As one who has always tested on the introvert side of personality inventories and who is never going to be the life of the party, being quiet comes more naturally than speaking up, but that isn’t always helpful.

The down side of this otherwise admirable quality is that issues which need to be addressed may not be dealt with in a timely manner.  Problems persist and the potential negative consequences include less than optimal team performance and dynamics, poorer business decisions due to lack of input, not to mention the inner turmoil that comes from remaining silent when something is bugging me.  It took me a while to realize that the actual negative consequences of failing to speak up are worse than the imagined consequences of speaking up.  That is, the difficulty of hard conversations is rarely (if ever) as bad as you imagine it might be, especially if you approach such conversations with genuineness and kindness.

Seeing some coworkers as enemies.  It’s no secret that in an organization of any size there will be some strained relationships.  Different personalities, values and agendas practically guarantee that people will occasionally be at odds with one another.  What must not happen, though, is reaching a point where you always think negatively of certain coworkers and, consequently, treat them in a manner that perpetuates the negative relationship.  I may not like the way some people act.  I may believe rightly that they would throw me under the bus in a heartbeat if they had the chance and if they thought it would somehow make them look good or help them climb the ladder or advance their personal agenda.  But I am first and foremost an employee of my company who is hired to help the business accomplish its objectives, and that sometimes means working cooperatively with others in order to advance the cause of the business, even when every fiber of my being would just like to tell the other person where to go.  Be the bigger person and focus on the business goals and objectives, not the interpersonal difficulties.

Leaving too soon.  I’m coming up on my tenth anniversary this year at my company, so this isn’t a current issue with me, but if I take a close look at my resume going back 30+ years of full-time work, I can see some times where I took the easy way out to go to a different company or organization rather than stay and overcome a difficult situation.  Maybe those were the right decisions, maybe not.  I’m sure I had no problem justifying them at the time, and once I had mentally checked out of the roles, it was just a matter of time before I officially left.  However, when I look over someone’s resume today when looking to fill a role and I see a lot of short-term gigs of two years or less, it raises a huge red flag and makes me wonder what kind of staying power the person has.  I want to be someone who loves what he does (as I do) and who cares enough to change a “flight” instinct to one of confronting issues and overcoming them.  I suppose this mistake is related to the first one above in that it can be a way to avoid conflict.

Responding in anger.  It is never a good idea to fire off an email when you’re angry.  It is rarely the wise choice to spout off with what you want to come back with in a heated meeting, phone call, or face-to-face encounter.  In situations where you have the opportunity to hit the pause button before responding, do so.  I recently had this happen when I received some unwelcome news via email at work that made me a very unhappy camper.  My every instinct was to fire off a sharp reply to some people much higher in the org chart than I am or ever expect to be.  Fortunately, I just vented my frustration with my understanding teammates sitting nearby and announced that I was taking a walk.  On that walk I stopped by the desks of some people I hadn’t seen in a while to catch up with them and to have some friendly conversation which put me in a very different mood.  By the time I was back at my desk, I was able to respond to the email in a rational, professional manner.

Another practice I have used countless times to avoid responding in anger and to avoid rash decisions of many types is to sleep on a matter overnight.  It is amazing how different some things appear in the light of day compared to how they looked at the end of a long day or evening when you were tired and not at your best.  It may seem silly, but a general rule of thumb I have lived by for decades is that I don’t make major, life-changing decisions when it’s dark outside (whether anger is involved or not).  The world won’t end and most substantive opportunities won’t pass you by if you sleep on some decisions overnight.

So there you have four big mistakes I know I’ve made more than once in my career and with which I still occasionally struggle.  Surely people I have worked with could easily think of additional mistakes I’ve made.

If you’re willing, I’d love to hear in your comments about some of the lessons you’ve learned the hard way in your career.

Coming soon in a post will be the flip side of this topic – some of the things I’ve done in various roles that proved to be good choices and very helpful for my employers and for me.  I wouldn’t want to leave you with the impression that I’m rotten to the core.

Til then…

Acknowledge the Elephant in the Room

Posted: January 19, 2013 in Communication
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ElephantintheRoom-Leo_CullumHow many times have you been in a conversation with others and wanted to bring up some obvious topic, but failed to do so?  How many times have you sat in meetings, heard proposals, watched presentations, discussed important matters, or been embarrassed on behalf of someone else, all the while dying to say what is really on your mind, but never mustering the courage to say it?  Why do we hold back and so often fail to acknowledge the elephant in the room?

In the case of meetings at work, perhaps you can’t bring yourself to openly disagree with someone higher up the org chart.  Maybe you are the kind of person who avoids conflict at all cost, both in personal and professional settings.  Maybe you fear the known or unknown consequences of being that person to bring up what you and probably many others wish someone would address.

If you don’t acknowledge obvious issues, it is very possible that the consequences of failing to address them will be worse than doing so.  For example, if you have relationship issues with someone, but try to keep the peace instead of putting matters on the table, aren’t the potential emotional and physical consequences of holding it all inside worse than the temporary awkwardness and unpleasantness of the dreaded conversation?  If you are being pitched a plan of action by a manager or someone higher up than you in an organization, and you know that the suggested path has major flaws, aren’t you complicit in failed and potentially harmful business decisions if you do not raise the concerns you have?  If others are trying to get you to go down some path that could be dangerous or have serious negative consequences personally and/or professionally, don’t you have the responsibility to listen to your intuition and interject a cautionary word into the conversation?  If someone’s dress, hygiene, personal habits or behavior are the subject of much discussion behind his/her back, isn’t the decent thing to do to have that needed and difficult private conversation in order to help the other person?

When it comes to acknowledging elephants in the room, few seem willing to be the one to step up and do so.  Oh, how we need more people willing to take that step!  Doing this doesn’t mean you have to do so in an unkind, harsh, abrasive, offensive way.  Besides, you won’t likely succeed in promoting positive change with that approach, anyway.  Instead, with a genuine heart of compassion, caring, and concern for what is wrong or what might fail, you have an incredible opportunity to change the path of a person, group, or entire company from darkness to light, from failure to success.  Those on the hearing end are usually able to sense genuine concern; they will most likely be able to see the intentions of your heart and hear your message, even if it is one that is difficult for them to hear.

Nobody benefits from having a bunch of “yes” men around.  While I’ll never be in a position of corporate power by virtue of the position held, if I ever was, I would hope to be fortunate enough to surround myself with men and women who always speak the truth, even when it is hard for them to deliver the message and perhaps harder for me to hear.  If it is my thoughts, plans, attitude, behavior or anything else that is ever the elephant in the room, then I desperately need and want someone to tell me that.  Do it gently and kindly and (if possible) privately, but by all means, do it!  I’m a big boy.  I can handle it.

I have no idea what life situations you are in where you feel you need to bring up something “obvious” that nobody else is saying, but I suspect you can think of one or two such situations at this time.  I strongly encourage you, in the interest of doing what is most helpful and kind and beneficial in the long run, acknowledge with whomever else needs to hear that there is an elephant in the room.  The benefit gained from the honest conversation will far outweigh the temporary fear of negative consequences that has held you back so far.

Leap Year Lesson #347: Humble Pie Tastes Bad, But It’s Good For You

Posted: December 13, 2012 in Attitude
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Humble PieI had a kind, good person at work send me an email today concerned about some things I had said recently.  She feared that my remarks could be harmful if taken in a way that pitted one group against another.  While that was not my intent in making the remarks, I can certainly understand where she was coming from.  I thanked her for the comments and the manner in which she shared them and felt duly and appropriately chastised.  I was reminded that it is difficult trying to find that balance between being a change agent affecting how communication happens in a large company while maintaining good working relationships with all, including those with whom you disagree.

It is amazing how open to correction one can be when coming from a trusted source whom you respect and with whom you have a good relationship.  Had the same email come from someone I regularly did battle with, I would not have been as receptive to the correction.

None of us is perfect.  Far from it.  We have our strengths and we have our weaknesses.  We like to be reminded of and praised for our strengths, but as a rule we don’t care much for others pointing out where we fail.  Still, we need people who will do that in a kind and gentle way.  As a former pastor of mine used to say, it’s like someone throwing a velvet-covered brick at you – not as hurtful as the raw brick by itself, but it still packs a wallop.

I’ll take the words of this colleague to heart and try to be more mindful of how my words influence others, for good or bad.  I thank her for today’s leap year lesson #347: Humble pie tastes bad, but it’s good for you.

Leap Year Lesson #317: Don’t Shoot the Messenger; You Might Miss the Message

Posted: November 14, 2012 in Communication
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Most of us don’t like being the bearer of bad news.  On the contrary, we would rather be associated with the verse from the prophet Isaiah: “How lovely on the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news” (Isaiah 52:7) – a verse repeated by Paul in Romans 10:15.  The positive image brings to mind a runner going to or perhaps returning to a community to bring welcome news from afar.  Such a messenger will be greeted with joy.

Not so with those who bring bad news.  In ancient times, if a messenger ran to an enemy camp with a message not well received by the hearers, it would be unfortunate but not inconceivable that the hearers might take out their frustration on the messenger.  It was a dangerous role for the one delivering the news.

Nothing much has changed today in that regard.  While we don’t send runners to enemy camps with bad news anymore, we still find ourselves from time to time in the uncomfortable position of telling others things they don’t want to hear.

If you are the messenger, then you have the obligation to deliver the message clearly and with whatever level of compassion seems appropriate.  You don’t really have the option of not delivering the message without failing at an important task.  Friends, managers, coworkers, family members, even strangers may find themselves in such a role and perhaps with a message originating from themselves and not from someone else.

If you are the recipient of the message, then you have to control your emotions and react to the message rather than the messenger.  That isn’t easy.  It’s human nature to lash out at personal criticism or in response to news that is upsetting.  Still, the adult response is to absorb the message, take some time to process it if needed, and then respond appropriately.

Next time you hear something you’d rather not, try to remember leap year lesson #317 – Don’t shoot the messenger: You might miss the message.

Leap Year Lesson #314: Be a Safe Place for Others

Posted: November 13, 2012 in Relationships
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You’ve probably seen one of the yellow and black diamond “Safe Place” signs on businesses and other locations.  The one shown here is their latest logo.  It is the symbol for National Safe Place – a youth outreach organization that educates youth about threatening situations and seeks to provide safe shelters for youth in crisis.  I applaud their efforts.

The phrase “safe place” has become a part of our vocabulary in a variety of contexts, not just in that of the national organization with the signs.  It may refer to a physical safe place or shelter in the midst of a storm.  It may refer to an emotional safe place of a group or setting where someone can share thoughts, feelings and experiences without fear of rejection or condemnation.

As I lay awake in the wee hours of this morning unable to sleep, the term came to mind in the context of where people gather online to talk.  Are those social media gathering places safe places for participants?  I’m not referring to the well-publicized times when the slime of society prey on children or others with the intent to abuse or harm.  I’m referring to the conversations that happen between friends, acquaintances and colleagues every day.

When you visit Facebook, for example, how safe is your news feed?  I know mine became quite toxic during the months leading up to the presidential election to the point where I unsubscribed from the comments and posts of most people I am friends with (even those I agree with politically), and I tried to not make the news feeds of others too toxic by limiting myself to one political post per week.

Beyond the politics, though, how friendly, warm, encouraging, and accepting are your social media gathering places?  They should be, or else you have no good reason to frequent them.  We must do our part in making them safe places for others.  As the community manager for my company’s internal online community, that has me thinking about what we need to do to make certain our community is a safe place for all.

As an individual, community or organization, leap year lesson #314 is Be a safe place for others.

Leap Year Lesson #310: Don’t Expect Those With Different Values To Be Or Act Like You

Posted: November 8, 2012 in Values
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I suspect that many of us prefer to live in a world where the majority of others agrees with us on significant matters.  Unless you’re unusually driven by conflict and controversy, you have a strong affinity for those who are a lot like you.  That’s understandable.  It’s a fact of basic human nature even if not politically correct.

One of the frequently discussed aspects of Tuesday’s election exit polls is the changing demographic of the American voting population.  It’s less white than it used to be.  It’s less religious than it used to be.  It’s less conservative as well.  That would appear to be a trend that doesn’t bode well for the future voting success of someone with the philosophical leanings of this white, conservative Christian.

America believes strongly in the idea of majority rule, although we go out of our way to make exceptions to that when we want to protect the interests of minority groups.  We say we believe in diversity, yet we tend to limit that appreciation to categories of physical, ethnic and sexual differences rather than diversity of thought and values which are not tolerated well by those on either side of the aisle.

If we learn much from Tuesday’s election, we at least learn this isn’t your parents’ America any more.  It may or may not be the America you want it to be.

As I reflect on the election, I come back to the simple thought that I can’t expect people who do not share my beliefs and values to think and act (and vote) the same way I do.  To expect otherwise is foolish.  If a majority are not conservative, then I can’t expect conservative positions and candidates to prevail.  If a majority are not Christian, then I shouldn’t be surprised when the results are at odds with traditional, biblical Christianity.

It is pointless to fret or fume over what I believe is my new minority status.  It is what it is and I will be who I am and I will stand for what I believe regardless of the consequences.

Therefore, leap year lesson #310 is Don’t expect those with different values to be or act like you.

Leap Year Lesson #308: Don’t Just Sit There – Do Something

Posted: November 5, 2012 in Behavior
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Howard Beale in the movie “Network”

We’ve all heard the Edmund Burke quote (or a close variation of it) that “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”  It’s a reminder that we cannot stand on the sidelines and watch evil, immoral actions take place while we remain silent, or else we are complicit in the wrongdoing.  We may not like that thought because it is simpler to console ourselves and justify our inaction than it is to risk getting involved and try to make a difference.

In Christian lingo there are “sins of omission” – much the same idea as the above in that sins are not just bad things we do but also good things we do not do.

The rule applies to many areas of life – government, business, interpersonal relationships, civic and religious organizations, random encounters, etc.  In short, wherever we are, there exists the potential for “good” people to stand by and do nothing while those who hurt, abuse and cause all manner of harm are somehow allowed to continue their actions without others stepping up and stepping in to shout in unison “no more!”  And so the harm continues.  And so those remaining silent on the sidelines stand guilty for failure to stop it.

I realize that each of us is just one voice, but each of us is still one voice and that voice must be heard in opposition to wrong.  Age is no excuse.  Fear is no excuse.  Previous battle scars are no excuse.  Lack of support from others is no excuse.  Being tired is no excuse.  Hesitancy to challenge someone in leadership is no excuse.

What wrongs could be corrected and what failed leadership could be stopped in its tracks if voice after voice finally stood up like Howard Beale in the movie Network and proclaimed “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”?  If you’ve sulked on the sidelines of failed leadership and the harmful actions of others long enough, then stand up and do something about it.

Leap year lesson #308 is Don’t just sit there – do something.

Leap Year Lesson #296: Sometimes It Takes a Close Friend To Deliver a Hard Message

Posted: October 25, 2012 in Communication
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Imagine this scenario.  “Joe” has had regular conflicts in various matters with “Mary.”  Their differences are no secret and such disagreements have surfaced periodically for years.  Now imagine that something true but very difficult for Mary to hear about herself needs to be said.  For the sake of this post, we’ll say the hard message is that Mary has breath that would make a horse pass out (not the actual issue I have in mind, of course).

Who is the best person to get this message to Mary most successfully?  Is it Joe who has regularly confronted Mary about previous matters?  Probably not.  Mary has already learned to tune out Joe when convenient and she will most likely ignore the hard message regardless of how true it is.

That’s where Patty comes in.  If Mary is good friends with Patty, and Patty also knows the truth of this hard message that Mary needs to hear, then Patty is in the best position to deliver that tough message in a clear but kind way.  Mary will be more open to the message if it comes from a trusted friend than from a regular adversary.

Chances are pretty good that in combined scenarios in your life right now, you are all of the above people.  For some situations, you’re Joe who would like to give a true, needed, hard message to someone, but the past history you have with this person negates the likelihood of successful communication.  Maybe you’re Mary and either just heard or are about to hear something from another that won’t be easy to take.  Perhaps you’re Patty who has an opportunity to use your positive history with Mary to pass along a tough word with kindness and understanding.

None of the roles is easy.  Of the ones above, a heavy burden rests on Patty because important guidance can be delivered only by this person in a way likely to be heard and accepted.  That brings us to Leap year lesson #296 – Sometimes it takes a close friend to deliver a hard message.

Leap Year Lesson #243: Political Tunnel Vision Is a Condition That Needs Correction

Posted: September 3, 2012 in Politics
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This is not a partisan political Post.  In fact, I hope it’s the opposite.

Normally, I love watching the political conventions in an election year – both major party conventions.  While I obviously side with the more conservative one philosophically, I really do appreciate good wit and humor, even when it jabs at those who share my beliefs.  Who doesn’t remember former Texas governor Ann Richards’ comment at the 1988 Democratic convention speaking about George H. W. Bush when she said “Poor George, he can’t help it – he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.”  Now that’s just funny, I don’t care who you are.  (And, yes, I voted for Bush #1 in both elections.)

What is saddening, though, is the tunnel vision so many demonstrate these days when it comes to political spin and the corresponding lack of willingness to listen at all to the messages others have.  It simply is not the case that nearly everything one candidate or party says is true while the other is nearly always false.  Anyone who claims otherwise just isn’t willing to listen to both sides and address issues.  To believe everything from one side and nothing from the other is to be stubbornly blinded by partisanship.

In today’s political climate, such tunnel vision does nobody any good and is, in fact, intellectual dishonesty.  I can’t stop others from preferring and promoting this disease, but I can sure commit myself to intellectual honesty which I believe is its cure.  We must be able to have discussions about issues, basing our reasoned positions on clearly stated values and principles, and then vote for the candidates that most closely align with our positions.  Vilifying the other party or candidate does nothing to convince me to vote for your party or candidate.

If you want my vote in November, then you have to share the values and principles that are most important to me.  Show me how you have done that, are doing that and will do that and you have a shot at my vote.  Nothing less will convince me.

Leap year lesson #243 is Political tunnel vision is a condition that needs correction.

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